Friday, October 2, 2009

paralysing possibilities


I'm pretty sure my shrink hates me. She is cold and cynical and clinical and throws a lot of labels my way. I think about her every day. I have been in bed for the most part of everyday and haven't been working this week. What is getting me down? My shrink. Plain and simple. The possibilities are these. 1. This is some kind of therapeutic strategy. 2. She is suffering some personal distress that is effecting her work. 3. She is having a personal reaction to something I have said or done. 4. This relationship rupture is in my mind and she's not being cold at all.

My good friend who is a psychotherapist says this is a perfect therapeutic opportunity for me to learn sit with the feeling of someone hating me. I often think people hate me. I don't cope with it all at well. I could just never go back to therapy. I could attempt to utilise it as a therapeutic opportunity as my friend suggests... I could confront the heartless mean bitch. I could create a sympathy-engendering drama such as a complete emotional breakdown, a suicide attempt, or get someone to convince her my story if is fact real, so she drops this antagonism towards me and questions herself.

Meanwhile I lie in bed and cry a lot.
This is my worst nightmare, to tell someone all my insides and bare my soul and have them reject me. Great. Just fabulous.

Isynia

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